For the first time ever today, I'm putting myself out there. Often when we feel lead to do something, we can't say why, so I'm just going to go with it.
Plus I figure only about 7 people will actually read this... per my visit tracker.
To my Sister:
I remember that morning like yesterday. Sometimes I let it play over and over in my mind.
The Amish looking woman from ‘the church’ in our living room. Grandma sobbing on the couch.
I just ran out the front door. I ran as fast I could. As fast as I ever had. I found myself at Granny & Papa’s. It was 7 a.m. I couldn’t be there. They didn’t know. I couldn’t tell them. Drained, I went back home.
I called Meagan. Her dad couldn’t understand me. He thought it was a prank call, he almost hung up on me.
He was so pissed that I was calling so early on a Saturday.
I really canot say how that changed my life. As long as I can remember, I’ve convinced myself that this is how life is supposed to be. You were not meant to graduate high school or college, to be in or at my wedding. To hold my babies. To be an Aunt. It was easy for me to do that. It was so easy for me to say you fulfilled God’s purpose for your life. The number of people you touched, made smile or left an impression on. You had a big accepting heart. Your work here was done.
Early on I was unintentionally out to destroy your memory. Mom would try to talk about a pleasant memory, I would try to squash her image of you. You weren’t perfect, you made mistakes, you lied… all I could really think was you knew better. How could you be so careless, so irresponsible, so selfish, so stupid.
I don’t know how to try to imagine what life would’ve been like with you here.
My group of friends changed after your accident, so I just can’t help but think, I wouldn’t have hung with that crowd… because they were your friends. We didn’t get along. I would not have hung out with you. I would not have hung out with Megan and Scotty and Wellman… I wouldn’t have become friends with Rhiannon, who brought me to Liz. And without Liz I wouldn’t have Russ. And No Russ… well we wouldn’t have our boys.
So you see why I can’t imagine my life any other way but the way it is.
I do wish I had someone to reminisce with about childhood. What mom remembers, what Jason remembers… it’s not what I [we would] remember. I wish I could call you & say…dude, can you believe they said THIS is what happened??
I wish my boys would know ‘Aunt Shannon’ and not ‘Mommy’s sister that died.’
I wish Russ new Mom before the accident.
For the longest time, I wished it was me. I thought that would’ve been easier for Mom. You were her best friend.. I was just a child trying to be independent, find my own self, away from you two. Months following this, I had Mom convinced I hated her. Having kids now… that makes me sick. You never would’ve done that.
I know now, I was a child and as an adult, I know I put too much guilt and responsibility on my little teen self, but that doesn’t just go away or change. It still creeps in my head, but it can no longer consume me.
How does a family get over this? They don’t. They get through it. At one point I would’ve said it destroyed our family, but we are still all here and together, so that is a victory. For a long time I think we brushed off our own pants, dirt off our own shoulders. I like to think today we stop to help pick off the debris of each other. All 6 of us, plus my addition of 3 amazing men.
They say I may not have grieved your death. I’m afraid of what that means. I don’t know. I cried alone a lot. I was 15. It was about me, not you. I remember thinking- You had the easy part.
I can’ t say honestly if I did grieve or not. No one can really guide or teach these things. Especially to an angry, rebelling teen. It makes me feel bad to think I didn’t.
17 years. I’ve lived more of my life without you, than with you. I remember wondering when you would stop feeling like my big sister, because you died at such a young age. I am 14 years passed the age you lived to, I’ve concluded it will never feel any other way. Even if I can’t imagine an aging Shannon, you will always feel older and wiser. That was your role to me, after all.
I pray often that you knew Jesus, that you asked him into your heart and you were Saved. So that we will see you again.
You are missed, you are remembered, you are loved.
